In the last post, I pulled out the topic of feeling unwanted from the movie October Baby. As I mentioned this topic resonates for me and a subject I’m passionate about addressing. I know the trauma and deadness of life that comes from feeling unwanted as I felt this personally growing up.
Every kid forms beliefs about their world
As kids we are too young to properly interpret our world. Without a lot of direction from our parents we are bound to get it wrong. My interpretation of my world was I was unwanted.
Every year our family went to the State Fair. Every year I got lost. Most years I was lost for over an hour. I remember working out a plan with my parents before going about what we were going to do if my brother or I got lost. Still every year I was the one waiting at the First Aid station wondering how long until somebody comes for me.
One year after waiting over an hour, I got scared my parents may have left without me. I left the fairgrounds to go find the car. Relieved finding the car still there, I then waited alone in the parking lot until a nice man helped me back into the fair and back to my parents.
How come nobody came for me?
The only explanation I could think of was that nobody wanted me. With that definition in place, I interpreted every circumstance based on that explanation. When I was the last kid to be picked up from practice again, I reaffirmed my belief about myself. When my parents spoke in anger about leaving me somewhere if I didn’t hurry up, I truly believed they would leave me. Any negative comment would plunge me deeper in my belief; any compliment would feel good at the time but had no soil in my heart to take root.
By middle school I became more lonely, I watched more TV, and my world became darker. Cursing, lying and evil became my inner joys.
God wanted me
God broke into my darkness as I entered my teenage years. I was invited to a Christian concert by a friend, and the singer spoke of Jesus as a friend who wanted me. He wasn’t miles away in heaven, but wanted to be by my side. He loved me. He wanted to spend time with me.
To be honest I didn’t understand what it all meant, but I wanted Jesus. I wanted to be wanted. I told Jesus I wanted to know His love, and from that day my life had a whole new trajectory. I still had baggage, but now I had hope and more importantly, I had someone to walk me through it.
What this means to me
I know the pain of feeling unwanted. However I also know how much God wants me. I want everyone to know this because the One I love wants them to know it. This love compels me and my life will start looking even more different.
- What has God worked in you that has given passion to your life?